The Smell of Workout Clothes and Slovenliness

Workout Clothes. The talking media heads tell me that anything I plan to sweat in should be streamlined for speed and agility, made of materials that feel like alien skin, and cost a whole buttload of money. Commercials go so far as to imply that if you were to find the right workout clothes in the store and purchase them, they would actually WORK OUT FOR YOU! And that's why I look like this:

I've never purchased the right workout clothes.

Thankfully that's no longer a problem! AA has an entire section of amazing workout clothes that will get you into shape while looking so awesome that at any minute a polo shirt collar might grow out of your neck just so you can pop it. Mix and match different colors and styles to create your own individual look, even if that look might get you beat up at any gym worth going to.

From high-cut one piece swimsuits to short shorts that will show off every dimple and rash, you will be able to run a million miles as soon as you spend enough money on your clothes to fund a underprivileged child's college fund. Bah humbug to helping others! I need more headbands and spandex so that everyone knows I paid a lot of money just so I look like I don't care.

You're lazy! You're not going to work out at home, no matter how many thigh-busters you buy off the television. The only solution is a spendy monthly membership and a personal trainer that can guilt you into running another mile while also hard-selling you vitamins that you MUST have if you want to be better looking.

The best commercials for gyms and workout clothing make sure to let you know that everyone knows you're a slovenly, muffin-topped mess, sitting in front of your television gorging on cheetos each night. The solution? Buy lots of new clothes so you can go sweat your ass off (and very likely hurl I've learned after watching Biggest Loser) all while paying for the experience!

24 Hour Fitness didn't try to sugar coat their message when they put out this winner of an ad. They made sure to let you know that your cheating hubby is YOUR fault. If only you had kept yourself up, your marriage might not be dissolving around you.

It doesn't matter that Hugh Grant cheated on Elizabeth Hurley, a woman named one of the most beautiful women in the world, with a crack-addicted transsexual hooker. Cheating is always a beauty issue so you get your ass to the gym or else this will be taking your place in in your bed some day:

And no one wants that, especially your neighbors who would have to look at that jogging past their window each morning.

It's not just women that are guilted into buying workout clothes. Men are a target for the advertisements that let you know that if you're not sweating it up in a $50 pair of shorts, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! What's strange is the trend to make workout clothes loose in places they shouldn't be. An example: high cut jogging shorts. My gym instructor in junior high school used to wear these exact shorts except they were actually cut higher to give his man-parts free range of motion. His man-parts took full advantage of this freedom during a girl's track meet. Twenty impressionable young girls got an eyeful when our gym instructor squatted down to give us an inspiring speech. I can tell you we ran fast that day, faster than we ever had before, but it wasn't because he had told us something that set a fire into our soul. No, we were trying to run away from the image of his hairy brown balls dangling in the wind, but we never truly escaped.

Festie Wear Uber Alles!

In ode to the crew and I going to SOAK this weekend, I decided that today's blog would be brought to you by Festival Gear. Festie Wear: making ugly people uglier since the early 90's.

There are many types of festivals, but the ones I'm referring to are the outdoor music events celebrated under themes such as Mother Earth, Universal Energy, We Love Each Other, or Let's Get Really Fucked Up In The Woods. Clothing options range from loose hemp clothing, anime-style wigs and accessories, loose raver pants and blindingly pastel fishnets, to faerie wings and faux fur.

Bright colors are a large piece of festie-goers' wear but strangely so is white. I've never quite understood how wearing all white on a camping trip became a thing but you've got to respect the sheer amount of energy and bleach put into such a fashion statement. They obviously have a lot of free time on their hands.

Faux fur ensembles are another staple of the festie clothing diet. Faux fur is soft, warm, and the best thing ever when you're rolling around on the ground with your friends, high as a kite. They come in many different forms but don't get them confused with fursuits. It's a mistake you'll only make once.

Take a look at the two pictures below. You might think that they have pretty much the same purpose in festival land but you'd be wrong. SO WRONG! The fur bodysuit on the top says, "I plan on shaking and partying until I'm so dehydrated they have to carry me to the med-tent" while the fursuit on the bottom states, "I like to pretend like I'm an animal and fuck." Which one is worse to run into in the woods? The one without the mask. He'll spend the rest of the night telling you about the festival's "energy" and how all these people bringing "positive intent" together makes the world a better place. In the meantime, some fourteen year old girls will be giggling and rolling around behind him with enough drugs in their system to take care of the local hospital's ICU.

A not so new trend but one that's gotten progressively more popular, and therefore cheaper looking, are hair falls. Falls are faux bundles of "hair" made of fake hair, yarn, tubing, wires, fake dreads- pretty much anything you could find in a dumpster. Falls have become popular with the kids in many scenes, including goth, industrial, steampunk, ravers, and tattooed dancers in Portland. When done well, falls look like cybernetic accessories from Blade Runner. When done badly, you look like your grandma knit you a doily and then you let it unravel on either side of your head. If you can't tell, I'm not a fan of bad falls.

Despite there being similarities in clothing, people, music, and drug consumption, festivals and raves are not the same thing. What's the difference? Umm... one is outside with camping, and there's usually more fire, and umm... yeah. I'm not really sure but there IS a difference. Mainly the lack of spun out sixteen year olds. Sometimes. Also it's not in an illegally used warehouse? Okay, I really don't know the difference between a rave and a festival, but there is one. I think.

Rompers: I like them. So what?

Romper
noun /ˈrämpər/  /ˈrôm-/ 
1. A young child's one-piece outer garment
2. A similar item of clothing for adults, typically worn as overalls or as sports clothing
3. A person who romps

I really wish adult rompers had never been invented, and it's not because 99% of them are hideous and make me wish that terry cloth was as flammable as Aunt Edna's famous gasoline couch. No, it's because I want one, I want one soooo bad, so I can frolic and lounge in the sun just like I used to when I was five and rompers were relevant.


They're comfy, they're one-piece, and they're made of material that is also extremely absorbent. What's not to love? Well, to start with, the measurements. Romper designers decided to throw out all measurements that would account for such things as boobs, women's hips, or ALL THAT EXTRA LABIA. If I ever wanted to start a labia farm, I'd buy all the models from Target because they obviously could produce a rich harvest. Ahhh a fine harvest this year! Global Warming is obviously paying off for us jungle labia farmers!


What's worse is celebrities that try to make rompers glamorous. Just like short shorts and jeggings, rompers have never and will never make an onlooker think, "Ooo look at her! I bet she's rich and famous and successful!" There is nothing grown up about an article of clothing that must be completely removed- top and bottom- when it's potty time. You can add as much gold, diamonds, and leather accessories as you want but you'll always end up looking like what you are- a woman who thinks toddler wear is sexy.

This outfit by one of the Kardashians very clearly states: I like to wear diapers and romp!

The problem with rompers is that no matter how many times I look at one and tell myself "NO!", I can't make myself stop going back for more. And the media only feeds my addiction. It's like that one-piece Avengere-sque suit that keeps taunting you to try it on every time you walk by it in the mall. No matter how many donuts you can squeeze out of your thighs, you still look at it and think "I might look hot in that." The rational part of your brain tells you that acid-wash catsuits were only meant to be worn on stage in Louisiana, but that doesn't stop you from grabbing it and slinking off to a dressing room only to be disappointed again. Yes, you do look like a pro, and not a hot one either. You look like one of the methy hookers that hangs out in bus stops, twitching and waving at cars. Now is the time for you to decide, which is more important- fashion or self-respect? Sadly, we both know the answer is FASHION.

Short Shorts and the Women (and 12 year old girls) That Wear Them

I have a theory, a theory that each year is becoming more plausible. This theory is that clothing designers hate women. To clarify, I don't think designers hate women just because women have vagina and tits and they think we should be in the kitchen pregnant and cooking for them and their football buddies. The reason designers hate women is because we will buy ANYTHING if we're told it will make us look good. Take a bow, my gold lamé covered brethren. You've crushed the souls of another bevy of wanna be designers by choosing jeggings patterned after a cheetah. Good job!

Case in point- daisy dukes. There is no question which came first- the daisy duke or the designer daisy duke. In a rural humid Southern town somewhere, some girl with too tight pants decided that she should take her too tight pants and cut them off as short as possible so that all her greasy creases and crevasses could benefit from the sudden breeze. But then they caught on with the help of designers. Designers took something that should have stayed in backwoods Texas and spread it across America. I won't even make the obvious STD joke here because it's just too easy. The daisy dukes spread and now they haunt us in the form of a fashion statement that says not only are you slutty but you also have saggy labia. Thank you designers, thank you for that bold and unneeded statement.

What really offends me about daisy dukes isn't having to see people in Wal-Mart wear them because, really, if you go into Wal-Mart you know what you're getting. It's driving by the high school during lunch hour and not being able to tell which girls are students and which are prostitutes. And it doesn't stop at short shorts that would be more accurately categorized as panties. The slut-tastic clothing expression has spread to cover all areas of tween wear, including prom dresses. After doing a very scientific survey of my exotic dancer friends, it was 100% unanimously agreed that most of the clothing high school girls wear are TOO SLUTTY for the stage. Now that's impressive. Is this a high school student going to prom or turning into a pro? You tell me!

I used to be able to use Uggs as the tell-tale high school sign, but sadly that is no longer the case. The pros are getting comfortable in their footwear, which I can't blame them for. Which would you rather walk the streets in? Soft warm slipper-boots or 8-inch death traps? That's what I thought.
What's interesting is that as prostitutes get more comfortable, female high school students get less. Finding heels four inches and higher in the mall is normal, usually in stores geared towards girls 21 years old and less. How did we go from Uggs to stripper heels? We'll leave that for another post entitled "Heels: They make you look great, then you break your ankle."

Clothing P0rn

Note his saggy right testicle.

When did browsing the internet for ugly clothes become a constant dodging of pornographic images that would make your Dirty Uncle Larry feel bad? Oh right, always. But that doesn't make what American Apparel is doing right.

While listening to the soothing sounds of ocean and gulls screeching (seriously, they're piping in muzack to WEBSITES now) I realized something:

American Apparel's website is softcore porn.

Don't believe me?
-Step one, go to their website: American A-scare-l
-Step two, look at the pictures.
-Step three, agree with me.

Anyone who was born before the 90's remembers the Abercrombie and Fitch ad hoopla with naked men and horses, or the infamous CK basement commercial of the 90's. Sex sells but AA takes it to a level not seen since the start of Hustler magazine. It's all bad lighting and gauzy material, with models that look like they're either stoned, terrified, or a little of both. I keep expecting to see gigantic glorious bush every time I click on one of their panty links. Instead I get high-waisted panties my grandmother would have turned her nose up at.
(Does this girl look like she might not be enjoying her first modeling experience?)


Once past the opening barrage of softcore porn pictures, click on Women's Basics and behold the picture that assaults you. Nothing says "sell me underwear and socks" like a 16 year old model posed like she's ready to make her debut on the director's couch.

I'm also very glad that AA didn't waste any of the hard-earned money they made on overpriced socks and see-through pants by hiring a graphic designer to photoshop out their models' nipples. Male or female, it doesn't matter. I now have to go to sleep with this image burned into my brain:


Edit: In a very obvious bitchslap to my blog and me, American Apparel went and started selling these BUTT Magazine Towel. Touché, AA, touché.

Orange is not your color.

I love makeup. Cheap or expensive, gaudy and bright or boring and subdued. I LOVE IT AND I WANT MORE! But what I don't want is orange and neither should you.

Let me repeat: Neither. Should. You.

If you go into a store and the makeup girl looks at you and says "OMG Bright orange is so your color!" immediately punch her in the face because she is LYING to you. The only woman that can pull off bright orange is not a woman- it's a pre-teen girl. And pre-teens are known for their ugliness. Do you want to be ugly and gawky again like you were as an adolescent? I didn't think so. So step away from that tube of Halloween Horror and pick up a wash cloth. Even this season's bright fuschia will be better than that.

Pinks, yellows, turquoise blues, all of these "new" and "bright crazy" colors I can handle. Orange is not one of them. I have never seen someone wearing any shade of pastel orange without feeling my tongue swell up and my throat close in an immediate allergic reaction to tackiness. There is one exception: Men. Men can wear bright oranges and look FABUUUULOUSSSSS. To you men that rock the orange, I salute you. But to the women- SHAME! SHAMEEEEEEE! A pox upon your household for thinking you could pull that off without looking like some 70 year old woman that mutters to herself and has a house covered in cats and doilies. Cats and doilies, that is your future.

This ban on orange also applies to your foundation and fake tanning solution. If you are any shade close to citrus fruit just before mold sets in, you need to scour your skin and hide away for a few months until the shame- and tanning product- fades. If your skin looks like that because you've been using a tanning bed, I'm sorry but there's not much hope for you. On the bright side, you'll probably die of skin cancer within five years. Oh, I guess that's a bright side for me, not you...

Sorry about that.

Thank you, AA, for making my job easy.

I have a confession to make. Despite my abundance of vitriol for all things American Apparel, I have shopped there a time or two. Why, you might ask, would I shop there if I think all their clothing should be burned at the stake like they were a woman with an obvious mole used to suckle the devil? I'm not too proud to admit, I wanted to believe the hype. I wanted to put on some tight legging-pants and feel immediately awesome, like I should be hanging out with my similarly-attired friends at the local coffee shop where we will all immediately get out our various electronic devices and tweet about it so everyone else will know WE'RE HAVING A GREAT TIME! I wanted a gold bodysuit with black piping that made me look like I belonged in a dark basement with a Calvin Klein photographer asking me personal questions while I stretched and posed on the stairs. I wanted leg warmers that got me warm AND made me cool. And the clothes at American Apparel could make me this way, dammit!

Needless to say, it did not work out that way. High-waisted dresses, shirts cut for girls with nipples but no actual breasts, and bikini tops the size of band-aids do not work for a curvy girl with tatas that have more than once been classified as "Epic". I did find some leg warmers that I liked and they definitely made me feel cool for a while... until I washed them. Nothing says awesome more than knitted bags draped around your ankles to hide the case of cankles that made it into Scientific American last year.

For a whole year I would repeat this cycle of abuse: Jenna sees something that is shiny and new, Jenna decides in her head that nothing would be more awesome than this one thing, Jenna goes in and tries it on and finds it is the furthest thing from awesome and rages about it. A month or two goes by, Jenna somehow magically forgets that every time she walks into AA her eyes bleed and her skin grows dry and flaky with hate. Jenna sees a new ad for something shiny and repeats cycle. After a year of this, Andru finally declared the rarely used HUSBAND BAN. Jenna was not allowed to go into AA any more. Jenna accepted this ban because she knew it was for her own good, even if she would miss the adrenaline of a good rage.

And so peace reigned across the land... until I saw this: Offbrand American Apparel Code for Fat and Ugly. And the thought came to me that the hiring people of AA have a VERY different definition of "ugly" than I do. Because come on. What sex trafficker are they in cahoots with to find a model willing to take a picture that looks like this?

But, to be fair, American Apparel started in 1989 which is fairly recent. It takes time to create and develop a breeding program that will take an ugly clothing brand into the next century. But breed and develop they have and now we have a whole new generation of sad on the inside but sassy on the outside models to look forward to. The description from Playgrounder.com says it all: "Bring some glam to your child’s wardrobe. Kids will love the iridescent lamé construction, and aspiring dancers will appreciate the form-fitting style."

Indeed, kids will love it. And that's the tragedy.