Clothing P0rn

Note his saggy right testicle.

When did browsing the internet for ugly clothes become a constant dodging of pornographic images that would make your Dirty Uncle Larry feel bad? Oh right, always. But that doesn't make what American Apparel is doing right.

While listening to the soothing sounds of ocean and gulls screeching (seriously, they're piping in muzack to WEBSITES now) I realized something:

American Apparel's website is softcore porn.

Don't believe me?
-Step one, go to their website: American A-scare-l
-Step two, look at the pictures.
-Step three, agree with me.

Anyone who was born before the 90's remembers the Abercrombie and Fitch ad hoopla with naked men and horses, or the infamous CK basement commercial of the 90's. Sex sells but AA takes it to a level not seen since the start of Hustler magazine. It's all bad lighting and gauzy material, with models that look like they're either stoned, terrified, or a little of both. I keep expecting to see gigantic glorious bush every time I click on one of their panty links. Instead I get high-waisted panties my grandmother would have turned her nose up at.
(Does this girl look like she might not be enjoying her first modeling experience?)


Once past the opening barrage of softcore porn pictures, click on Women's Basics and behold the picture that assaults you. Nothing says "sell me underwear and socks" like a 16 year old model posed like she's ready to make her debut on the director's couch.

I'm also very glad that AA didn't waste any of the hard-earned money they made on overpriced socks and see-through pants by hiring a graphic designer to photoshop out their models' nipples. Male or female, it doesn't matter. I now have to go to sleep with this image burned into my brain:


Edit: In a very obvious bitchslap to my blog and me, American Apparel went and started selling these BUTT Magazine Towel. Touché, AA, touché.

Orange is not your color.

I love makeup. Cheap or expensive, gaudy and bright or boring and subdued. I LOVE IT AND I WANT MORE! But what I don't want is orange and neither should you.

Let me repeat: Neither. Should. You.

If you go into a store and the makeup girl looks at you and says "OMG Bright orange is so your color!" immediately punch her in the face because she is LYING to you. The only woman that can pull off bright orange is not a woman- it's a pre-teen girl. And pre-teens are known for their ugliness. Do you want to be ugly and gawky again like you were as an adolescent? I didn't think so. So step away from that tube of Halloween Horror and pick up a wash cloth. Even this season's bright fuschia will be better than that.

Pinks, yellows, turquoise blues, all of these "new" and "bright crazy" colors I can handle. Orange is not one of them. I have never seen someone wearing any shade of pastel orange without feeling my tongue swell up and my throat close in an immediate allergic reaction to tackiness. There is one exception: Men. Men can wear bright oranges and look FABUUUULOUSSSSS. To you men that rock the orange, I salute you. But to the women- SHAME! SHAMEEEEEEE! A pox upon your household for thinking you could pull that off without looking like some 70 year old woman that mutters to herself and has a house covered in cats and doilies. Cats and doilies, that is your future.

This ban on orange also applies to your foundation and fake tanning solution. If you are any shade close to citrus fruit just before mold sets in, you need to scour your skin and hide away for a few months until the shame- and tanning product- fades. If your skin looks like that because you've been using a tanning bed, I'm sorry but there's not much hope for you. On the bright side, you'll probably die of skin cancer within five years. Oh, I guess that's a bright side for me, not you...

Sorry about that.